Many of the opportunities that would allow us to create something new and/or different in our lives are sometimes missed due to poor decision making. Our decision making process gets clouded by fear and eats away at our very being until there is nothing left but darkness. Fear clouds our judgment, our perception of important life events, opportunities, and most importantly our very own potential, dragging us back instead of pushing us forward. Then the most devastating question of all starts haunting our very existence “is my life worth living?“.
I spent my life keeping my thoughts and feelings to Myself. Instead of going to a friend or family member, I had a knack for talking to Myself whenever I felt the need to share something, or to let something off my chest. In time, Myself became self aware and grew tired of all my nagging and whining and decided to take matters into his own hands. All hell broke loose. This character emerged from a compilation of experiences and events that could not fit anymore in a damaged mind, it’s only defense was to simply give in and shut down. Any attempt in later times to try and restart it, or try to fix it were to no avail. A strain of bad luck not only rendered these attempts null but managed to further damage an already broken mind. At some point in a person’s life, they are able to see everything around them so clearly that the effect of such a sigh would dig its way deep into one’s soul and engraves itself on the walls of what was once a life full of light. There is no happiness in the dark void where the only feelings you are accompanied with are the weight of the intense pain, pulling you down further into the abyss, draining your life away slowly as you plunge into utter emptiness.
How does one attempt to fix such a mess?
Where would one even start?
One important thing remains and would save that lost soul. It’s knowing how deep that dark empty cave is and the reason why the fall never ends. There is a light at the end of the pit, but that light can only be lit by someone else. A pure soul, a soul that is willing to sacrifice it’s light and embrace the darkness in order to save its long lost mate. A big paradoxical question remains, if the void is endless then how does one reach the end?
Another thing I learned in time is that, the best way to go forward is to question each action, and each decision. One question that always follows every single decision and every action I made was “why?” and satisfaction follows when the answer to that question was “because it makes me happy”. Little did I know that the result of my “happiness” was soon met with disappointment. Not by me, but by everyone around me. This reflects the actions of a child that doesn’t know any better, that is only satisfied by taking his coloring set and redecorating the living room walls. There was one important part missing in my answer that later became clear. That part was that I needed to include people around me. That revelation did not just fall from the sky, it was the result of reactions to my actions and decisions that ultimately revealed the devastation they caused to those around me. I questioned Myself many times, asking if these people really understood my intentions or were they only thinking about themselves. It didn’t matter to me whether they were or not, I just wanted to be accepted, appreciated, maybe loved. So I changed the answer to “because it made me and the people around me happy”.
In time I learned to accept people for who they are, and what they do. We are all different, no one is the same, we all have our dark closets but that doesn’t mean we should punish each other for it. One major flaw that repeats itself through time, is that most if not all people think with their minds disregarding their emotions. It is something I learned from my environment and from history that I should not include my feelings in any important decision I had to make since it would cloud my judgment. I was wrong. Some would argue that it is not wise to take one’s feelings into consideration when making important decisions but I disagree. We live in a world that depends on itself, everything within this world is both self dependent and codependent. We can not ignore one of the most important features we have when making important life decisions since doing that renders that part of us insignificant. If our feelings become insignificant, life tends to balance itself so we start looking for other things instead as a replacement.